BRITAIN ADVISED TO FILL UP ON BREAD

THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.

And think yourself lucky

Mother's Pride consumed with tap water or a thin gruel provides good bulk and will relieve hunger pains for up to six hours, the Bank said.

Wholemeal will provide a greater feeling of fullness for longer with fewer slices, however it is more expensive and should be reserved for birthdays and weddings.

Mervyn King, the Bank governor, said the global economy, "is going down the turd-funnel - sharpish", but warned against ciabatta and focaccia which he said were full of hot air and holes.

"The price of foreign bread is unsustainable. Meanwhile some spic in a caff that stinks of fat wants an Ayrton for a fucking sandwich which doesn’t even fill you up? Maybe if I got to sleep with his daughter as well. I could get four pie meals with mash and liquor for that. Sesame seeds? I shit 'em."

The Bank also wants households to limit themselves to one toilet flush per day and recommends families draw lots for the first and last expulsion.

And it is urging people to avoid expensive kettle boiling by making tea and coffee with their own urine. "It's steaming hot and produced within a body powered purely by bread. What more do people need?" the Bank said.

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, added: "Has anyone got any handy-wipes? The poo is now running down my legs."

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