Britain Gets Up At 4am To Buy Record Amount Of Crap

27-12-07

MILLIONS of people got up in the middle of the night to buy vast amounts of shit they did not need yesterday, after stores told them it was now a bit cheaper.

This pair of antique-style paraffin lamps is just £59.99 from JJB Sports

Large numbers queued to get back into shops across the country, all of which had shipped in a fresh lot of tat to palm off as sale goods.

However, there were some real bargains on offer including a fully-armed Type 45 Destroyer, reduced to £329 million from Argos, and an old plastic bag full of Quality Street for a tenner.

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she had hit the sales looking for make-up and sex toys but ended up with a bag of Quality Street and a set of cotton handkerchiefs monogrammed with the letter ‘F’.

She said: “I also got a pair of men’s breeches with a 41-inch waist, a paraffin lamp and a yo-yo which lights up when you roll it along the ground. It’s been a great day.”

Bill McKay, 48, said he had bought a sign saying ‘Sale: 50% off’ for a third of its marked price, a piece of used chewing gum for only 3p, and had a dog shit thrown in for free.

He said: “The reductions this year are incredible, I would have bought the sign and the gum anyway.”

Annie Laird, 34, said she had bought an end-of-season cat from a man in the street, half a set of bagpipes, some genital herpes, and a Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft.

She said: “My husband is going to kill me when I get back, he can’t stand cats.”

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