BRITAIN GETS UP AT 4AM TO BUY RECORD AMOUNT OF CRAP

MILLIONS of people got up in the middle of the night to buy vast amounts of shit they did not need yesterday, after stores told them it was now a bit cheaper.

This pair of antique-style paraffin lamps is just Â£59.99 from JJB Sports

Large numbers queued to get back into shops across the country, all of which had shipped in a fresh lot of tat to palm off as sale goods.

However, there were some real bargains on offer including a fully-armed Type 45 Destroyer, reduced to £329 million from Argos, and an old plastic bag full of Quality Street for a tenner.

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she had hit the sales looking for make-up and sex toys but ended up with a bag of Quality Street and a set of cotton handkerchiefs monogrammed with the letter ‘F’.

She said: “I also got a pair of men’s breeches with a 41-inch waist, a paraffin lamp and a yo-yo which lights up when you roll it along the ground. It’s been a great day.”

Bill McKay, 48, said he had bought a sign saying ‘Sale: 50% off’ for a third of its marked price, a piece of used chewing gum for only 3p, and had a dog shit thrown in for free.

He said: “The reductions this year are incredible, I would have bought the sign and the gum anyway.”

Annie Laird, 34, said she had bought an end-of-season cat from a man in the street, half a set of bagpipes, some genital herpes, and a Nimrod reconnaissance aircraft.

She said: “My husband is going to kill me when I get back, he can’t stand cats.”

Did you enjoy this article? Please share it!