British Gas bullshit up 24%
THE nauseating bullshit British Gas uses to justify its vicious profiteering leapt 24% last year.
The company’s full-year results showed a particularly strong performance by the Increased Wholesale Prices division.
Deputy chairman, Sir Denys Finch Hatton, said: “Thanks to a company-wide efficiency programme we were able to pass some fucking nonsense about wholesale prices on to an additional 270,000 people.
“It is this sort of innovation that keeps our customers so loyal as they make the exciting choice between cooking and heating.
“Nevertheless the particularly harsh winter has meant our PR department had to work very hard to maintain a supply of sickening, weasel-worded statements while pretending to be oh-so-offended every time someone accused us of being pure evil.
“Through our Investors in People initiative we ensured they had enough alcohol to drink themselves to sleep every night and removed all reflective surfaces so they would never have to catch a glimpse of their sunken, hooded eyes filled with the guilt of a million murderers.”
He added: “But we want to do even more. There remain huge untapped reserves of wretched bullshit and pathetically transparent excuses we want to pipe into every home in Britain until people run screaming into the street in a vain attempt to escape.
“Meanwhile we are currently working on a new range of exciting horseshit based tariffs and one really big lie about cloned Nazis turning off the gas tap in Azerbaijan.”
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “Excuse me dear, could you just check to see if I still have toes?”