Christians Prepare For Rapture As House Prices Dip
TUMBLING house prices and the bail out of the Northern Rock will lead to the resurrection of the dead, Armageddon and the beginning of the End Times, leading Christians confirmed today.
Bill Mckay, of the Pentecostal Church of Dundee, said the current turmoil in the financial system would inevitably lead to a darkness covering the earth and war pouring out on all the nations.
However, he said the coming back to life of everyone who had ever lived would provide a short term boost in demand for rented property, especially one and two bedroom apartments in city centre locations, before the world was consumed in fire and Rapture ensued.
Mr McKay said: "In the age before the last days there will be terrible times when people will love to talk only of the value of their houses while at their dinner parties and not of the Lord and his ways or even the terrible litter in the neighbourhood and the noise from the all night kebab shop.
"Before the last days the scoffers will come and they will say the banks are perfectly solvent and that property prices round here never go down because it is a really sought after area with good schools but yea, the scriptures say, they will find themselves deep in the shit when the balloon goes up and they can’t afford their repayments. Smug tossers.
"On the final day the Lord will call in his loans and all will have to stand before him with their mortgage statements and those that are more than three months in arrears or £1,000 in debt on the credit cards will be cast into hell, along with all the directors of the Northern Rock and every estate agent in the land."
Alasdair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: "Could you hang on for just a minute, I think I may have shat myself."