Daily Express Issues Death Threat To Heather Mills

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

Mills bothering the police yesterday

The World's Greatest Newspaper sent a wreath to her house with a card saying 'I wanna hold your hand (over a hot stove)' and a copy of Silly Love Songs which when played backwards includes the phrase, 'we've got a landmine with your name on it'.

A spokesman for the Daily Express, said they intended to blow up Mills after she branded the British press as a 'poisonous rag bag of filth, lies, distortion and innuendo'.

"Filth, lies, distortion… obviously," he added. "But our readers are not intelligent enough for innuendo and it's outrageous of her to suggest otherwise."

Media commentator Wayne Hayes said: "Other papers may mentally torture already insane individuals on a whim but only the Daily Express is prepared to actually blow someone up for having one leg and marrying a Beatle.

"It harks back to the glory days of the Express, when Lord Beaverbrook threatened to push Gracie Fields under a tram."

Mills is currently in the middle of an acrimonious divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, one of Britain's most cherished drug-takers and the man responsible for timeless classics such as Ebony and Ivory, Pipes of Peace and the Frog Chorus.