Dolphins recruited to top banking jobs

BOTTLENOSE dolphins have been installed as executives by several high street banks, it has emerged.

They eat sprats to sustain energy in long meetings

Scientists recently discovered the creatures’ ability to do complex nonlinear mathematics. Dolphins also possess a sense of compassion and appealing facial features, giving them three key advantages over their human banking counterparts.

Tom Logan, head of recruitment at Donnelly-Mcpartlin, said: “The dolphins know instinctively that lending several billion pounds to people with more CCJs than GCSEs is a bad idea and have never financed a single undersea drug cartel.

“We had some teething problems with Boko, a 17-year-old male, who’s demanded a signing-on bonus of 1.2 million hake to become Investment Manager at Clydesdale Bank.

“There’s also been sexual harassment claims filed against another bottlenose we placed at HSBC but we think he was just using his prehensile penis to operate the coffee machine.

“Overall though, they’ve been a breath of fresh air around the workplace and even when they’re announcing that they’re making hundreds of people redundant, they have such adorable smiles that you don’t mind.”

The dolphin recruits have been given offices in the docks surrounding Canary Wharf and have communicated their complex fiscal decisions via a series of beach ball bounces and bicycle bulb horn honks.

Logan said: “Once the markets are more secure and major decisions can be entrusted to humans again, the banks will simply employ Japanese fishing trawlers to execute a harpoon-based redundancy program.”