Global Economy Now Run By F*cknuts
THE US Federal Reserve is to give everyone in America a spaniel in a bid to prevent recession in the world’s biggest economy.
It is the largest domestic pet the US central bank has given out, and almost ten times the size of the chinchilla issued to every household in the wake of the dotcom crash of March 2000.
Wayne Hayes, an analyst at Conceptomatix, welcomed the move to a spaniel-based economy, adding that the breed was one of the biggest single generators of additional spending, more costly even than a fat child.
He said: "Shoes, vomit remover, electric fencing, a cattle prod, two new sofas and a mobile phone. All those will have to be bought in the first two weeks."
Meanwhile, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke urged people 'to just buy shit and worry about it later', including electric brooms, homeopathic remedies, Cillit Bang, and anything advertised by Carol Vorderman, apart from Farmfoods.
He said: "The world has been brought to the brink of depression by a ridiculous consumer spending spree fuelled by cheap credit and home makeover shows. So let's keep it going."
Bernanke said the only way to prevent the current unsustainable consumer bubble from bursting was by slashing interest rates and creating another even bigger one for someone else to worry about after he had moved to Goldman Sachs.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: "We conducted a detailed analysis of every major policy decision taken by every central banker in the world over the last 10 years and came to inescapable conclusion that they're a collection of fuckin' idiots."