Grammar pedants thrilled at collapse of Toys R Us

BELIEVERS in the correct use of English are delighted that the grammatically-baffling shop Toys R Us is closing its doors forever. 

English teachers, newspaper sub-editors and Radio 4 listeners believe the sacrifice of 3,000 jobs is well worth it for the insult of the shop’s brand to be banished from high streets.

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “What was that? What was it even trying to be?

“I wouldn’t have objected to the ‘R’ if they’d bracketed it with apostrophes to make it clear it was a contraction, though for some reason it was backwards denoting Russian. Which I can’t even right now.

“But Toys Are Us? No they’re not. Toys are toys. ‘We Are Toys’ would be correct if the speakers were toys, for example in the Toy Story franchise. But they weren’t.

“We Sell Toys With Such Intense Focus We Have Deluded Ourselves That We Have Become Toys would have been an accurate title. But would head office ever acknowledge my letters? Would they fuck.

“I’m glad they’ve gone. Now I can target all my pedantry at greengrocers.”