Happiness Finally Available In Department Stores

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

Mainly petrol

Scientists have worked for decades to synthesise the essence of all that is good in life into a pot of off-white cream that can be applied to any part of the body to produce a meaningful, fulfilled sensation previously only attainable as a result of genuine human emotion.

The exact ingredients of the product remain a closely-guarded secret but it is believed to combine childhood memories, sunsets and maternal love in a petroleum jelly base. It is distinguished from other forms of happiness by being spelled with a capital H.

A spokesman for Happiness said: “We’re ecstatic to offer consumers complete spiritual fulfilment at easy-on-the-pocket prices. It’s really one in the eye for cynics.

“Happiness overrides all issues of conscience and will make you feel as good as if you’d just successfully performed a dangerous altruistic act involving kittens and fire, and then returned home to a surprise party with everyone you like most in the world. And it won’t block your pores.”

Research by the Institute for Studies has found that Happiness is as good as, or better than, any other experience any person will ever have.

An economy ‘Value Happiness’ range will be launched in the autumn, which manufacturers claim will be roughly equivalent to discovering an uncle you quite like is now recovering from a life-threatening illness.

Teacher Tom Logan said : “I had previously tried to achieve happiness chiefly through nurturing relationships with my family. It’s great not to have to bother with that any more.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis added: “Buying the right product really does put everything else into perspective.”