How Much For Your Woman, Abdullah Asks Philip

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.

Following his official welcome yesterday, the King turned to the Duke of Edinbrugh and immediately enquired if the woman was for sale.

Palace insiders say negotiations will take another day to complete but the two men are likley to settle on a figure of around $12 million to be paid over three years.

A Saudi source said: "It's rare such an opportunity comes along. Good legs, strong jaw and those magnificent knees look brand new.

"We will take excellent care of Queen. She will have own stall, perfumed straw and a big bag of finest quality Egyptian oats."

The source added: "She will never be ridden. Instead she will be used to teach the younger wives how to hold their cutlery."

A Palace insider said: "The Prince did think twice, but it's been an expensive year what with paying off the Diana inquest jury and having his new balls fitted."

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Dollar Now Nancy Boy Of International Currencies

THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.

The once manly greenback is afraid to be left alone at night and has to sleep with the light on, but is still constantly wetting the bed.

It is also scared of leaving the house because the last time it did the pound and the euro laughed at it for wearing a pastel scarf.

The limp dollar said: “Can you lend me £20 until I get paid? I’ve lent all my money to some black people to buy houses and they won’t give it me back.”

Evan Davies, BBC economics editor, said the dollar was now singing an octave higher than last month because its credits had been so heavily crunched.

He said that while the pound was rugged and good at sport, the US dollar made the Canadian dollar look like Daniel Craig.

Davies added: “The international currency market is like a giant bag of spanners. If your nuts are loose it can twist them until you pant.

“But if you get threaded then those same spanners will make your pips squirm and give your cat a revolting disease. It’s as simple as that.”

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: “I've shat myself. Again.”

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