Jedward Turned Into Subway Filling


TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

Layer upon layer of thinly sliced buttock meat

The Jedward was humanely destroyed on stage at T4’s Shit in a Park after half of it was injured while performing its biggest hit, a mime to a DAT of a cover of a cover of a cover of Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr.

The pop phenomenon’s meat has now been purchased by sandwich giant Subway and processed to become the third or fourth most important filling in the ‘Jedball Ranch Sub’.

A spokesman said: “It comes with our trademark bewildering range of identical sauces on 17,000 kinds of bread and served by a defeated-looking man in a polo shirt and fetish gloves whose life has ground to a halt in a convenient city centre location.

“There is no more fitting and delicious end to a glittering career spent mouthing words at vast crowds of fat girls in provincial car parks.”

An X Factor spokesman added: “We’re proud to team up with Subway, a brand whose smell permeates Britain’s high streets almost as strongly as our own.”

Jedward fan Nikki Hollis,from Doncaster, said: “When I saw T4 host Steve Jones fire a gas-powered bolt into Jedward’s foreheads, I thought it was the end. Really it was just the beginning.

“I got a piece of toenail in my Jedball Sub! I’m going to have it made into a pendant!”

She added: “I was hoping for some bell-end but this is even better because it lasts forever. My mate Mandy got an eyeball and I stood on it because I was jealous.

“When I grow up I want to be famous, either as a singer or as food.”

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