Money environmentalists defend tax havens

CASHOLOGISTS have argued that tax havens offer the last unspoiled refuge for untamed profits. 

Tax havens currently protect delicate nest eggs, squirreled profits and wads of money the size of a white rhino’s cock by ensuring they cannot be attacked by taxation. 

Haven ranger Tom Logan said: “Socialists have never witnessed the breathtaking sight of an offshore account frolicking and multiplying on a sun-kissed beach, far from the gaze of the authorities.

“They are extremely shy things, and can end up shitting themselves at the slightest of scrutiny, so they need our help to stay hidden.”

The first tax haven was set up in 1853 by Denys Finch Hatton, an industrialist who noticed that the money he made from kicking urchins into cotton looms was depleting at an alarming rate.

In 2016, it’s estimated that the auditing trade could be worth as much as 21 trillion dollars as highly-organised bands of accountants armed with calculators try to smuggle money back to its country of origin.

Economists warn that unless more is done to ensure money is allowed to proliferate in its natural environment of an unspoiled free market economy, shell companies could become extinct by 2028.

Logan said: “It’s heartbreaking to think that wild, anonymous bank accounts are things my grandchildren might only know about from taking an economics degree they don’t have to pay for.”