M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables


MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Delicious, but are they worth £1500?

Chief executive Sir Stuart Rose said the retailer’s failure to shift a single ‘carrot in a box’ at just £14.99 suggested the country was only months away from anarchy and civil war.

However, analysts blamed the retail giant's financial woes on a poor buying strategy after it failed to get its hands on sufficient stocks of this year’s surprise Christmas top sellers: tinned baked beans and guns.

Wayne Hayes, of Conceptomatix, said many high street retailers had done well out of the season's must have items including: 

  • Water purification tablets
  • Body armour
  • Amputation saws
  • Live pigs

Hayes said: “Tesco was knocking out a box of 48 tins of value beans, a 12-bore and 20 cartridges, and a gas mask for only £19.99 and they were flying off the shelves right up until Christmas Eve.

“All M&S had to offer was a pair of Purdeys with a jar of cassoulet and a ripe stilton for ten grand, but they only had about a 100 of them and they were all gone by the end of November.

He added: “If you’ve got the right stuff you can still shift it. My mate Stevo has an army surplus place and he’s been selling camouflage hats and loads of really big knives. And chainsaws.”

Brand consultant Nikki Hollis blamed M&S’s poor Christmas performance on “that fucking advert”.

She added: “If Dervla Kirwan likes the honey-glazed carrots that much why doesn’t she just shove them up her glory hole?”

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