Oldham buys miracle health tonic

PURVEYORS of miracle health tonics and herbal hair loss remedies have compared Oldham to a 21st Century gold rush.

It puts electricity in the blood and can cure the rickets

The Lancashire town is thronging with shiny, smooth-tongued men who talk too fast, all hoping to cash in on the local population’s deep-seated desire to be lied to.
Nathan Muir, chairman and chief executive of Muir’s Genuine Miracle Vigour Potion, said: “I’ll be completely honest with you, this stuff is just out of date Lucozade mixed with fish paste and battery acid. It tastes like utter bloody hell and almost certainly gives you at least three types of cancer.

“I’ve had a hard time shifting it in recent years, mainly because in all the towns I visit they know I’m lying through my teeth and threaten to set their massive dogs on me. And these are places that have Greggs.

“But Oldham’s different. I don’t know if they’re just catastrophically unintelligent or if they get some sort of cheap thrill from hearing my lies.

“I’ve spoken to a few other scam artists and grifters and they all say that Oldham is a gold mine. In fact, the more you lie to them the more willing they are to reward you for it.

“I’d happily live here if it wasn’t, you know, a fucking shithole.”

He added: “I’ve actually just acquired a truckload of those power balance wristbands. Sweet Jesus Christ, I’m going to be absolutely minted.”

Anne Thompson, 52, who has lived in Oldham her entire life, said: “Eeeeeeh, I do love a right good lie, me.

“Go on, tell me you’re the secret love child of Joe Pasquale and Kirsty Wark.