Primark To Charge Customers Just To Chuck Stuff On The Floor
CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.
As rocketing cotton prices threaten to end the phenomenon of skirts costing less than a handful of Blackjacks, the retail chain will refocus its business model around what it describes as the ‘therapeutic demolition’ of its rails.
A spokesman said: “The Primark experience has always been primarily about chucking things on the floor, or throwing them on top of other things in a crumpled heap.
“For a reasonable hourly rate customers, 99.73% female, will be able to run around the shop going fucking mental, hurling budget tops around in a dervish-like fashion.
“For a small surcharge they can tear items apart with their teeth, shoot them with rifles or even set fire to certain designated areas of the shop.
“It’s the future of retail, happening right now.”
Primark customer Emma Bradford said: “To me it’s the closest thing to being back in my teenage bedroom. Sure I like the cheap stuff but really it’s more about creating a chaotic dump safe in the knowledge that no-one cares enough to fuck with me.
“Possibly it’s an anti-authority thing, or a holdover from some sort of prehistoric ritual. It’s certainly the nearest I get to being a maverick crazy bitch since I became a housewife.”
She added: “Either way, a big Primark at 5.30pm on a Saturday is the closest you’ll get to a physical manifestation of the mind of a pre-menstrual woman.”