Rebekah Brooks must know some serious shit
REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.
As James Murdoch closed the most successful newspaper in the western world rather than sack a devious harpie, experts said that harpie must have some weapons-grade shit up her sleeve.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, they must have killed a tramp.”
The News of the World will be axed on Sunday, followed a day later by Brooks returning to work at a desk that is obviously filled with grisly secrets.
And today Brooks’ former protegé Andy Coulson will be arrested and charged with not wearing a disguise and following James and Rupert Murdoch when they went on one of their late night, East End killing sprees.
Martin Bishop, media analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “No-one was calling for the paper to be closed, apart from the usual Twitter monkeys. If they had sacked Brooks and waved a batch of former executives off to prison, then slowly but surely things would have returned to normal, what with the British public being, you know, idiots.
“I reckon there’s a refrigerated dungeon full of Brazilian kids and Rupert eats a fresh one every day.”
Meanwhile accountants raised the possibility that the whole thing is just an elaborate tax dodge.
Despite the Murdochs’ effort to draw a line under calling their Sunday tabloid journalism the News of the World, tax experts caught the faint whiff of financial genius.
Helen Archer, from Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “I would not be surprised if Rupert Murdoch invented phone hacking after discovering a loophole which allows you to save hundreds of millions of pounds if you shut down a newspaper based on outrage.
“And even though they pay fuck all tax anyway, a good accountant can always get you a refund.”
But Professor Brubaker added: “Nah, I reckon it’s got something to do with a grainy photo of some oiled teenage boys, forming a human pyramid.”