Sainsbury's Buyer Led Extravagant Potato-Based Lifestyle

SUSPECTED Sainsbury's vegetable buyer John Maylam first gave himself away after spending thousands of pounds on a 180mph potato car, colleagues said last night.

Maylam lived a lavish lifestyle, way beyond the means of a normal supermarket employee, owning a £2 million mansion in Hertfordshire, made of the most deliciously waxy Maris Pipers.

Friends who visited his palatial home said they were amazed to see sacks of potatoes left lying casually around the house, while every drawer was filled with a King Edward or a lovely purple-skinned Desireé, perfect with summer salads.

A former colleague said: "John was always good for a potato, especially if you were a bit short at the end of the month.

"He always had a great variety. Fresh Jersey Royals, slender Juliettes, and those big creamy Pentland Javelins that go so well with casseroles. Strangely enough, I never saw him with a Pink Fir Apple."

He added: "We went to the States on business once and it was like something out of Goodfellas. A guy only had to hold a door open and John would press a new potato into his hand as if it was nothing."

"One time, at a lap dancing bar, he went through a whole bag of Russet Burbanks. It was like he was made of potatoes."

Maylam was arrested by police while trying to flee the country wearing a large plastic nose and a false moustache.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Manhunt 2 Released After Smoking Scenes Cut

THE role-playing video game Manhunt 2 has finally been cleared for release after producers agreed to remove all references to tobacco.

The game had been banned by the British Board of Film Classification for including 'some of the most gratuitous smoking' it had ever seen.

Denys Finch-Hatton, BBFC chairman, said: "After blasting his victims in the face with a shotgun, dismembering them with a chainsaw and then urinating into the severed head, the main character would, invariably, light up a cigarette.

"In one scene the game player approaches his enemy, engages him in conversation and then playfully rams a boat hook into his eye.

"All harmless fun until you notice that the action takes place in front of a '7-11' that could, quite easily, be selling tobacco products."

He added: "The game is brilliantly produced . The blood flow is exquisite and the sound of machete hacking through bone is absolutely thrilling.

"So why then ruin it with these disgustingly authentic whisps of tobacco smoke?"

Wayne Hayes, Manhunt's senior designer, said: "I want to assure our fans that you will still be able to push a three foot long, white-hot poker up a gang leader's back passage until the eyes pop out of his head, only this time he won't be smoking a cigar."

Next story ›