Standard & Poor’s upgrades itself

CREDIT rating agency Standard & Poor’s has upgraded itself to Triple-A Plus Super Fantastic.

Standard and Poor's works out credit ratings using these coat hangers

The new rating means the agency gets the best table at The Ivy, can jump any queue at Alton Towers and gets Sky HD with all the sport and movie channels at the introductory price forever.

S&P analyst Wayne Hayes said: “It’s about time the superb work done by this first-class – actually, better than first-class, what can we invent that’s above it? – financial institution was recognised with a string of letters.

“Our upgrade means I can requisition models direct from the Paris catwalk, take home one painting from the National Gallery per visit, and snort Peruvian flake off a policeman’s riot shield without fear of arrest. It is awesome.”

Hayes added: “Nobody outside S&P could understand or indeed be allowed to examine our rating criteria, but let me assure you they’re 100 per cent accurate. In fact, make that 150 per cent.

“Critics have pointed to our high ratings of the securitised credit instruments which caused the global financial crash as a serious mistake which calls our credibility into question, but actually we’ve downgraded that to a trivial mistake which had no bearing on the credit crunch.

“The privileges of S&P’s credit rating, which as of right now include a 12-inch cybernetic penis, infinite lives and the Batmobile, must be earned with a programme of austerity.

“Dance for us, you whores.”

Rival credit agency Moody’s immediately downgraded S&P’s rating to triple-Z minus in a bucket of guts.