Success based on knowing when to be a twat

WORKPLACE success is largely based on picking the right moment to be a twat, a new study has found.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Gandhi, Mary Berry, Attila the Hun – all of them were twats at some point, although clearly some were twats on a more regular basis.

“The key to making it in your chosen field is not avoiding being a twat, but rationing your twatty behaviour for maximum effect.

“For example, if someone’s used your ‘special mug’ and not even put it in the office dishwasher, don’t send a moody all-staff email because that’s a waste of your twattery ration.

“Wait until an arch-rival is doing a presentation then say ‘fucking wank’ while pretending to cough.

“The political gains are massive and the company can’t sack you if you have otherwise not been a twat.”

He added: “The larger issue is our definition of success. Is having a massive office but working till nine every night really better than just eating berries and nuts and staring at the sky?”