Tesco buying Londis so they can charge 85p for a can of Tizer

TESCO is buying Londis because they can charge 85p for a Tizer and up to £1.60 for a loaf of white bread.

The supermarket giant is paying £3.7 billion for the convenience chain, but believes it can earn that money back in months with ridicuous mark-ups.

Tesco CEO Joseph Turner said: “Have you seen how much they charge for a Pot Noodle? £1.45 when it’s got dust on the top. And they’re still selling last year’s Creme Eggs.

“Their brands are shit, half of it’s out of date, the stores have one – seriously, one – staff member and they’re getting at least 50 per cent more per item than we are, so it’s a total no-brainer.

“We can buy stuff from our own supermarkets, put it on shelves in Londis, make two profits from the same goods. It’s a genius move.”

Londis manager Bill McKay said: “I don’t have to talk to you. I don’t even have to look at you. This isn’t a fucking Tesco.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

On-the-spot fines for f**kers who don't buy their round

SNEAKY fuckers who do not get their round in face an £80 on-the-spot fine, it has been confirmed.

A pilot scheme will see undercover agents tightly monitor drinkers to spot those who accept a drink from everybody else but vanish the instant it is their turn.

A spokesman for the British Institute of Innkeepers said: “Round dodgers cost their friends up to £220 a year and cost pubs £450 million in lost business, not to mention the social cost.

“You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag, but far too many are happy to watch a friend get soaked for a £50 round then run off laughing into the night.

“Our operatives are wise to all their tricks: only offering when everyone’s glass is full, faking phone calls, the early-bird round for a few people. We’ve got your number, you little shits.”

Round-dodging twat Nathan Muir said: “Okay, but I’ll just have to make up the money I lose by never having the right change for the taxi or ‘promising to sort it out later’.

“And cadging fags. Loads and loads of fags.”

Next story ›