The Mash guide to surviving the financial meltdown

BANKERS, politicians and all the other people who caused 2008’s financial apocalypse agree that things are about to go tits up again.

Here’s how to survive the coming crash:

    •    Immediately shift all your savings to the shakiest bank with the worst reputation, because that one will likely go bust while the government still has enough money to pay savers back.

•    Give your children little lessons in sewing sequins and mining cobalt now, so they’re ahead of the game when the labour laws change.

•    Put all your money in gold and drag the gold around with you in a big sack.

•    Remember, a bear market is bad for investors, governments and you, just as having a bear in your house would be. A bull market is good for investors and governments but bad for you, just as having a bull in your house would be.

•    Don’t assume that Mad Max-esque punk clothes and hair will come back into fashion when society collapses. It takes a lot of hair products to maintain a mohican. Go for jeans, t-shirt and a weapon that can fit in your belt.

•    If you are one of the 62 people who own half the world’s wealth, oil falling below $9 a barrel is the signal. Meet in the Little Sandy Desert, Western Australia, with your plus three for the rocket flight. Mars has been prepared.

•    Most importantly, do not make any effort to understand why or how this is happening. It is a law of nature that things you do not understand cannot harm you.