Thomas Cook Sacrifices Redknapps To Volcano God

TRAVEL operator Thomas Cook was last night forced to offer up Jamie and Louise Redknapp to an angry volcano god.

The Redknapps squeezed in one final award ceremony before being melted inside a mountain

The celebrity couple were hurled into Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokul following a short ceremony by the company’s chief shaman, during which they were doused with chicken blood and beaten across the upper arms with a hickory rod.

A Thomas Cook spokesman said: “As much as we hated to sacrifice Jamie and Louise, we have to put the comfort and welfare of our passengers first. It’s all been approved by ABTA.

“Fjurtnir, the dragon god living inside the volcano whose fiery breath clouds the skies, has assured our chief shaman that he is now sated and there will be no further wrathful belching of ash.”

He added: “The Redknapps went willingly to their deaths, perhaps because we told them there was some money and a GQ Man of the Year Award ceremony at the bottom.”

Experts said Fjurtnir probably would have become angry after seeing the recent Thomas Cook campaign featuring a man who may have been footballer at some point and his buxom spaniel wife.

Nikki Hollis, professor of tourism adverts at Reading University, said: “The scenes of the millionaire couple pretending to enjoy half board in Cala d’Or for £299 including car hire would have stoked Fjurtnir’s rage, assuming that televisions work inside volcanoes.

“Certainly they made me want to hit them again and again and again and again and again.”

She added: ‘”We can only hope that they suffered appallingly.”