Train company unveils 34-syllable ticket
THE new Semi-Super Saver Single Return Railroader Autumn Summer Traveller Student Nurse District Pet Family Oxbow Lake Pass is actually straightforward, it has been claimed.
Best Central Trains said the 34-syllable ticket was a ‘huge step forward’ from the standard single.
A spokesman said: “You just book it online, not more than three days before your journey and not less than nine days after, and at a time in the lunar cycle when the moon may be described as ‘gibbous’.
“Although you cannot print your ticket at home, you will be issued with a simple 47-digit code, written for security reasons in the ancient language of the Sumerians.
“At the station, you simply repeat the code verbally with all the correct intonation to a friendly moustachioed robot named ‘Monsieur Le Pouton’.
“On acceptance of your code, M. Le Pouton’s moustaches will twirl and several dozen tickets and receipts will issue from his mouth, flying all over the platform.
“You’ll need to pick them all up and take every single one to your nearest owl, then punch them three times with its beak. Any owl will do, most of them are fine with this type of process.
“Then you are almost ready to travel, presuming you have brought blood and stool samples along to help us verify your biological identity, without which our inspectors may be forced to waterboard you using a big polystyrene bucket of scalding hot coffee before hurling your spent body from the moving train, into a ditch full of fag butts and toads.”
Commuter Nikki Hollis said: “Fuck everyone who had anything to do with this.”