The Daily Mash - WOOLWORTHS FILLED TO THE RAFTERS WITH CRAP AFTER ALL

WOOLWORTHS FILLED TO THE RAFTERS WITH CRAP AFTER ALL

12-12-08

BRITAIN'S sentimental attachment to Woolworths evaporated rapidly yesterday as millions of bargain hunters discovered it really is a brightly lit warehouse filled with cack.

What the hell is this?

Shoppers hit the store's closing down sale hoping to pick up a cut-price yacht, or some cheap gold bars and a Bugatti Veyron.

However, when the doors opened all they found on offer was 10% off a sick-coloured fleece rug, 4,000 odd rubber gloves and a handful of loose sweets with germs on them.

Julie Cook, a receptionist from Telford, said: "I came in a van so the staff could fill it with everything they had for nothing, refund my petrol and be grateful.

"Instead the sullen bastards said I had to spend my money on this shit. If I wanted to do that don’t they think I might have come in before it went bust?"

Wayne Hayes, from Catford, said all he could find was a bent cheese grater, some mixed screws, a doll in a broken box that looked like a Barbie but wasn’t, and an Amy Winehouse ironing board cover.

He said: "You know, I think I’m starting to see where they went wrong."

Pensioner Elspeth Hayes, 86, said she had shopped at Woolies all her life until she switched to a rival store that was not designed to look like an Iraqi market after a car bombing and was staffed by humans.

She said: "Good fucking riddance. I hope we get Poundstretcher or Primark instead."