Business

BRITAIN will today pick out a nice, new handcart as it completes its preparations for the journey to Hell.

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco has stepped up its campaign against TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whttingstall by nailing a live chicken to the door of River Cottage.

ANN Summers is moving upmarket with a new range aimed at the middle classes, including a stunning open-crotch evening gown.

BUDGET airline Ryanair has vowed to maintain profitability this year, despite rising oil prices, by throwing passengers from its aircraft in mid-flight.

TALK of buying camper vans rose sharply last month and is now at its highest since 1991, the Nationwide building society said last night.

BARCLAYS last night signalled a shake up in the banking industry by cutting its unauthorised overdraft fees from criminally immoral to sickeningly outrageous.

A JUMPED-UP bookie has threatened to boycott British Airways after a stewardess refused to rearrange his caviar into the shape of Charles Bronson in Death Wish II.

WORLD famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead a one-year expedition to discover why the fuck gas prices keep going up. 

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.