Business

MARKS & Spencer has reported a massive spike in middle-class twats buying overpriced ready meals and bland clothing.

A MOTHER of three adult children has called them all to say the new one-way system in Next is tantamount to an authoritarian regime.

A MAN is mystified that builders have not returned his calls because he assumes they live in skips wearing filthy overalls desperate for cash-in-hand.

QUEUES outside branches of Games Workshop have reached the two-metre mark as pairs of desperate gamers wait to get inside.

A WOMAN is passionate about supporting local businesses, provided they are not marking products up too much compared to global retail giant Amazon.

WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these:

A COUPLE who decided to shop in Waitrose as a treat have come home and immediately requested a three-month mortgage holiday.

PRIMARK branches around England are besieged by naked Primark customers whose crappy clothing fell apart a fortnight into lockdown.

THAT f**king free trial thing you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel.

IKEA customers queue for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?