Amanda Holden Reverting To Dung
THE sorcery holding Amanda Holden together is wearing off, it emerged yesterday.
Holden, the star of Big Top, the BBC comedy substitute, is a type of golem that was fashioned in the early 1990s from a mixture of horse excrement, saltpetre and frog parts by perverted wizard Les Dennis.
But friends of the Britain Must Be Stopped judge have confirmed the magic is now losing its potency after she was dragged from a fashionable London restaurant last week with foul liquids oozing from her rapidly disintegrating body.
Showbiz pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Time is running out for Amanda.
“Les Dennis used his mastery of the black arts to create a sort of Satanic fuck-pet on which he could indulge his unnatural lusts.
“He did consider cancelling his original spell after Amanda had it off with the one from Men Behaving Badly who looks like a hybrid of all three Top Gear presenters.
“He never imagined she would break free of his bewitchment and carve out a career of her own. But that’s ITV for you.”
She added: “She’s now deteriorating at an ever-increasing rate and is, to all intents and purposes, little more than three large buckets of goo and a tupperware box full of lips.”
Britain Must be Stopped fan Roy Hobbs said: “Unless she finds another evil master she could be just a tankful of pestilent ochre liquid before the end of the current series. This could seriously impair her judging abilities.