Angelina Jolie to marry Justin Theroux

15-08-12

21st Annual Critics' Choice Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, America - 17 Jan 2016

SCREEN siren Angelina Jolie is to help herself to Justin Theroux, her spokesman has announced.

The romance began on Monday when Jolie saw Theroux’s handsome face in a newspaper, above a celebrity news story about something irrelevant.

Summoning a minion, she tapped the image with a sensual crimson talon and said: “I want this one. Bring him.”

Within an hour Jolie’s team of winged, bisexual eunuchs had snatched Theroux from a party in Los Angeles, carrying him off like muscular birds of prey as fellow guests looked on aghast.

Theroux was relocated to the actress’s sexorium, a giant sex-themed perspex globe atop Jolie’s LA residence, where she sits on a black leather throne presiding over pools of baby oil teeming with writhing, gossamer-clad nymphs.

A Hollywood source said: “Angie has the only key and the exit is guarded by a sex midget with steel teeth.”

Jolie’s former paramour, the actor Brad Pitt, has agreed to continue cohabiting with the actress as a hapless underling.

His job will be to hold a giant palm leaf and waft cooling air over Jolie and Theroux as they are in the throes of passion.

 

 

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