Angelina Jolie to marry Justin Theroux

SCREEN siren Angelina Jolie is to help herself to Justin Theroux, her spokesman has announced.

The romance began on Monday when Jolie saw Theroux’s handsome face in a newspaper, above a celebrity news story about something irrelevant.

Summoning a minion, she tapped the image with a sensual crimson talon and said: “I want this one. Bring him.”

Within an hour Jolie’s team of winged, bisexual eunuchs had snatched Theroux from a party in Los Angeles, carrying him off like muscular birds of prey as fellow guests looked on aghast.

Theroux was relocated to the actress’s sexorium, a giant sex-themed perspex globe atop Jolie’s LA residence, where she sits on a black leather throne presiding over pools of baby oil teeming with writhing, gossamer-clad nymphs.

A Hollywood source said: “Angie has the only key and the exit is guarded by a sex midget with steel teeth.”

Jolie’s former paramour, the actor Brad Pitt, has agreed to continue cohabiting with the actress as a hapless underling.

His job will be to hold a giant palm leaf and waft cooling air over Jolie and Theroux as they are in the throes of passion.