Angelina Jolie to marry Justin Theroux

15-08-12

SCREEN siren Angelina Jolie is engaged to the actor/screenwriter Justin Theroux, her spokesman has announced.

Theroux pictured with his personal assistant

The engagement is the culmination of a whirlwind two-day romance, which began on Monday when Jolie saw Theroux’s handsome face in a newspaper, above a celebrity news story about something irrelevant.

Summoning a minion, she tapped the image with a sensual crimson talon and said, “I want this one. Bring him.”

Within an hour Jolie’s team of winged, bisexual eunuchs had snatched Theroux from an engagement party in Los Angeles, carrying him off like muscular birds of prey as fellow guests looked on aghast.

Theroux was relocated to the actress’s sexorium, a giant sex-themed perspex globe atop Jolie’s LA residence, where she sits on a black leather throne presiding over pools of baby oil teeming writhing gossamer-clad nymphs.

A Hollywood source said: “After a night in the sexorium, Justin was smitten.

“And even if he wasn’t, Angie has the only key and the exit is guarded by a sex midget with steel teeth.”

Jolie’s former paramour, the actor Brad Pitt, has agreed to continue cohabiting with the actress as a hapless underling.

His job will be to hold a giant palm leaf and waft cooling air over Jolie and Theroux as they are in the throes of passion.

 

 

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