Beyonce Launches Branded Stomach Wipes
POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.
Bootylicious Tummy Towels are hyper-absorbent and available in three eye-catching designs: face, breasts, or booty.
A spokesman said: “Beyonce’s brand is all about empowerment. She’s already empowered women by sending out a strong message of ‘it’s ok to shake your ass and titties round and round and up and down’, now it’s the guys’ turn.
“Our stats show that Beyonce’s male fans love to hang out with their friends, have great positive relationships and are always reaching to achieve their life goals. Plus they love to crack one out.
“Masturbation has a real stigma attached to it, especially when you’re 35 and it’s how you spend your afternoons. But it’s really just another way of expressing yourself.”
He added:”‘Beyonce is living the dream, and now you can too, by buying these expensive wank rags with pictures of her tits on.”
Beyonce fan Julian Cook said: “I really love Beyonce’s music, her vibe and her arse, although not necessarily in that order. She’s a strong, powerful woman and I can’t wait to defile her two-dimensional image with my surplus DNA.”
Tummy Towel fan Stephen Malley said: “What’s great about Beyonce is that she’s a really real woman.
“Just a straight up, every day, incredibly beautiful, somewhat airbrushed girl with an amazing backside like two coffee-coloured goosedown cushions, and absolutely shit-tons of money. Who goes to the shops in a solid gold helicopter.
“I’ll be thinking about how much I admire her realness later, when I mop my belly with a picture of her face.”