Brangelina Split Foretold In Book Of Isiah
PASSAGES in the Old Testament predict the current relationship problems between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, according to a leading academic.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, made the discovery while scouring passages from the Dead Sea Scrolls for unusual varieties of plague that might work in a 'Survivors-type' screenplay he is writing in his spare time.
He added: "The scriptures are packed with eerily prescient celebrity news. No-one noticed it before because they're pretty hard going and most of these so-called Biblical scholars have really just rented a couple of Charlton Heston DVDs.
"But if you hang on in there you'll find loads of juice, including some top-notch stuff on the Brangelina meltdown, how their $300 million fortune will be divided and what's really going on with Jen."
Prof Brubaker highlighted a passage from Isiah's 'Chit-Chat to the Simeonites' which appears to describe an ambiguous meeting between Pitt and his ex-wife:
"And Brad shall attend a pool party at the dwelling place of Harvey Weinstein, to celebrate the issuing forth of a maverick cop buddy movie starring himself and Owen Wilson, at which she who is Jennifer Anniston shall also be present.
"And they shall partake of wine and broth and discuss how indeed they were good together back in the time of King Zebulon and the plague of toads."
Prof Brubaker, who is also writing a book linking Rosslyn Chapel and the Knights Templar with Callum Best, said: "I don't really want to give it all away but Angie does something pretty mental involving Brad's beard and a captive barn owl.
"And the text appears to hint at a possible reunion with Billy Bob Thornton, although it's couched in arcane, filthy language.
"However I can reveal that there will be four more Ocean's Eleven sequels, the second of which will feature Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes playing a jive-talking pinball wizard in a role that will catapult him right back into the limelight.
"Oh, and Martine McCutcheon gets fat again."