Britain Chooses Newest Retail Park Opener

ALEXANDRA Burke will this morning begin a glamorous new life of cover versions, Heat magazine stories about her fat eyelids and being offered £250 to open the Macclesfield Glen retail and leisure park.

When she's not singing Burke will have to pick bits of sweetcorn out of Simon Cowell's teeth

Burke, described as Britain's answer to a semi-professional Whitney Houston impersonator, defeated Whatsisname and Youknowtheoneimean in the grand final of Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Shit Factor.

Now agents, magazine editors and property developers are clamouring for her signature as she embarks on a glittering showbiz career expected to last about seven and a half weeks.

Her first single, destined to be the Christmas number one in both Britain and Azerbaijan, will be a cover version of Leonard Cohen's That Song They Play When Someone Dies in a Television Programme.

Burke, described by Cherly Cole as an 'angel-voiced angel with the voice of an angel', has already signed a multi-hundred pound deal to perform the official closing ceremony at more than 200 branches of Woolworths, as long as they throw in a tortilla wrap and a raspberry smoothie.

Last night her defeated opponents, boy band JSL, were being broken up and used for soup, while Egoggegan the Bouncing Leprechaun has been signed-up by impresario Louis Walsh who will parade him around Ireland in a cage.

Walsh has built a multi-million pound fortune touring the rural fairgrounds of the Emerald Isle with legendary acts such as Upside Down O'Reilly, the Flying Flannagans and Westlife, the gay babies of Boyzone and Take That.