Clarkson continues heartbreaking bid to hide true sexuality

11-04-11

TV bad boy Jeremy Clarkson remains filled with inner turmoil
after shattering Richard Hammond’s heart into a million tiny pieces, it
has emerged.

Clarkson still plans to fire a penis-shaped rocket at the moon

The outwardly heterosexual television personality, who is already locked in a tragic sham marriage with a woman, has reaffirmed the bitter pretence that he loves vaginas by publicly touching a female colleague.

A Top Gear insider said: “If you look closely at the pictures of Clarkson canoodling with a blonde, you will be able to detect a tiny, gleaming spot on his cheek. It’s a single tear.

“I feel most sorry for Richard. He really thought their time had come. He’s been trying for ages to convince Jeremy that they can live openly together without fear of lynching, citing examples from the civil rights movement and the career of Christopher Biggins.

“Last week, while we were on a break between shooting a piece about some new muscle cars that can force themselves on women and driving some tanks off a cliff, there was a smashing sound in Richard’s trailer and Jeremy flounced out, visibly upset.

“I asked him what was wrong and at first he pretended he was just sad because Elizabeth Taylor had died.

“But later he admitted ‘Marilyn’ – his name for Hammond – had pulled out of plans to buy a bed and breakfast in Pevensey, which they would co-run with Jeremy doing the cooking while Richard focused on setting up the treatment rooms which would be its unique selling point.”

The troubled, intense relationship between Clarkson and Hammond began when the pair were racing penis-shaped dragsters across the Sahara.

The insider said: “At night the temperature in the desert drops below zero, so you need body heat to keep warm. Let’s just say that after a certain amount of tentative spooning, nature took its course in a way that was both tender and brutal.

“James May tried to join in but they fought him off.

“Richard told me that afterwards they lay in each other’s arms, exhausted, looking up at the night sky and imagining a distant universe where they didn’t both have wives and children.

“And when Richard had his accident and was lying, broken in a hospital bed, Jeremy would sing softly to him and rub his thighs.

“All the while fighting his demons and dreaming of Pevensey.”

 

 

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