Cowell Sends Urchins Back To Workhouse


STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

Feeding time at Lord Cowell's Dream Factory

Lord Simon Cowell set about the urchins with a stiff birch rod after a shameful performance outside 10 Downing Street during which the one that looks like an Ewok was dropped on his head.

They will now be returned to Lord Cowell's workhouse on rations of one small, rotten parsnip per week and be forced to make doilies and antimacassars without respite, until they either die of exhaustion or are sucked into the deadly machinery.

His Lordship said: "I gave those sinful wretches an opportunity for music hall fame and they repay me with such nauseatingly abominable incompetence as to make a mockery of my good nature.

"Had the toads spent more time rehearsing instead of eating sweets and indulging in foul acts of self-pollution, they may have lived beyond their teens."

He added: "Damn them their wretched hides! Damn them all to hell!"

Earlier this week solo dance urchin George Sampson was caught by guards during an attempted escape from Lord Cowell's dark satanic mill of dreams, and thrashed to within an inch of his life before being sold on to a sadistic chimney sweep with repulsive tendencies.

Mr Sampson Esq, the father, said: "T'weren't the lad's fault. The Lord Cowell did give 'im only tuppence a DVD, even though 'e 'imself did make at least a shillin' on each one.

"On top of this Lord Cowell did invoice 'im for production and promotion costs, meaning there weren't enough left for even a small bowl of the thinnest, most meagre stew.

"Still, at least George will have lots of 'appy memories to take with 'im up all them chimneys."

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