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Elvis Tried To Eat My Mum, Claims Tommy Steele

ELVIS Presley made a secret visit to Britain during which he tried to eat the elderly mother of British singing star Tommy Steele, it was revealed last night.

Steele said the King of Rock and Roll visited London in 1958 after learning of the East End delicacy of steamed whelks in a bucket of gin.

He said: "As soon as he got off the plane we headed straight for whelk district. 'Course it didn't take long before they ran out of whelks. At one point I thought he was gonna eat the buckets.

"Any road up, I says to him, 'Elvis, my old mum would leave to meet ya'."

"There she was, sittin' in the front room, next to the fire, just like always. And Elvis, well he couldn't have been lovelier. 'Honour to make your acquaintance m'am', he says.

"Then he turns to me and goes, 'Tommy, I never knew your momma was gonna be so big and tasty lookin'. You got any barbecue sauce?'

"I laughed it off and went into the kitchen to make us all a cuppa. Before you know it, I hear me old mum shoutin' 'Tommy! Tommy! Your mate Elvis is eatin' me foot!'

"I says to him, 'Elvis, leave it out', and he let go of the foot and we all sat down and had a lovely cuppa tea."

Steele added: "Then Elvis, crowd pleaser that he was, picked up my old guitar, sang us a few verses of Wooden Heart and then ate the cat. Happy days."

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Olympic Budget Did Not Include £8 Billion For PR Bullshit

THE original budget for the London Olympics failed to include more than £8 billion for pointless leaflets that will go straight in the bin, MPs said last night.

The Commons Public Accounts Committee said the government had obviously forgotten to mention the cost of constantly reminding everyone how fantastic the event will be through an endless series of glossy brochures, filled with PR bullshit.

Tom Logan, a North London Labour MP, said: "For starters we'll need a really colourful brochure about the hi-tech stadium toilets.

"We'll also need one about the sustainable bamboo flooring in the toilets at the weight-lifting arena and we'll need an interactive CD for schools about why all the Olympic toilets are a celebration of the human spirit. And they'll all have to be translated into Cornish.

"Of course, we're also going to need a really big brochure, filled with some of this country's finest bullshit, about why the Olympics will make everyone healthier and more active, without explaining how that's actually going to happen."

He added: "We must project the concept that the Olympics is good for the whole of Britain and to do that we'll need to employ dozens of London-based PR firms on absurdly inflated contracts.

"Whether or not those firms happen to be run by Labour supporters is entirely a matter for the government."

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