KATE’S absence from public life has led to dreadful tittle-tattle and rumours, but the mundane truth is simply that she’s reverted to lizard form. Here she reveals her favourite places to visit as a reptile.
A cruise on the Med
The Royals have a suite booked all year on a Mediterranean cruise ship for whenever disaster strikes. Been papped dressed as a Nazi? On the boat you go. Done a car crash Newsnight interview about Epstein? Pack your swimming cozzie. I love it – we stop in Barcelona every Tuesday, there’s a free bar, and Gareth Gates is the guest act. Plus the cabins go up to a balmy 70F. Perfect for when you just want to kick back and lick your own eyeballs.
A staycation
Hunkering down in Kensington Palace is perfect for some R&R when your body transforms back into its standard 6 foot 7 inch lizard size. We have a vivarium out the back so I can lie on a hot rock to regulate my body temperature while still being served by my staff of 20. Also, whenever I click my fingers, my personal chef releases a thousand live crickets into any room of the house. Bliss.
Center Parcs
Center Parcs is great for the kids but pricey. Wills is worth over a billion quid but we still can’t afford starters when we eat out, and hiring bikes is a no-no. However if we watch our spending we can book a place with a hot tub. I like to lie motionless on the side with my three lizard children, occasionally dislocating my jaw to eat a live rat like Diana from V. Luckily we have snipers surrounding the site in case anyone tries to take a snap and sell it to the papers.
Las Vegas
The hot weather and the mantra ‘What happens in Vegas…’ makes Sin City a wonderful place to disappear to for months without causing too much fuss. A huge walking lizard blends into the background in a place like this. People just think I’ve escaped from a Siegfried and Roy-style show. But don’t get me started on how hard it is to hold gambling chips in your scaly, dry lizard claws.
Barbados
Ah, the Caribbean, my holiday location of choice. The laidback atmosphere means men, women and shapeshifting Illuminati lizards alike can relax over a boozy pina colada, so long as you don’t eat anyone. It’s here on the beach I do my best evil plotting. Covid, Galloway winning Rochdale, your mind-control chip, the disappointing Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow – I came up with all of those here. See you in June, sheeple.
