Flood Warning As Peter Andre’s Tears Form Pathetic Lake Of Sorrow

EXPERTS have warned that unless Peter Andre stops weeping over his divorce much of southern England could soon be submerged by his pathetic tears.

Is it now time to harpoon Peter Andre?

The 36-year-old abdomen has been crying like a teenage girl since his shiny wife left him for a another public relations exercise.

Flood scientist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "His eyes are shooting out pressurised jets of water like two big, stupid cannons of inexplicable self-pity. If left unchecked, most of Sussex will be soon be moist enough to bring on a new Triassic age with mangrove swamps and giant iguanas."

And Dr Hayes believes the situation is unlikely to resolve itself: "Every day brings new photographs of Jordan being spitroasted by polysexual nightcrawlers in some Balearic sleazepit, intensifying Pete's pathetic, hysterical grizzling."

An emergency committee led by Brigadier-General Sir Martin Bishop has been formed to tackle the crisis. He said: "We're trying to find ways to convince Peter Andre that his wife was clearly a nightmare.

"The challenge is conveying the information in a way that is sufficiently simplistic for him to be able to comprehend.

"We may use a sequence of massive crayon drawings illustrating her shortcomings, like a giant comic strip, suspended from helicopters above the tiny island on which he sits weeping.'

"Of course the other option is to simply finish him off with a harpoon."