God sues Jordan for playing him

LORD God Almighty has filed a £6m lawsuit against inflatable glamour model Jordan for bringing his name into disrepute.

A litany of wonky Osmonds

The omniscient being is said to be furious that many are crediting the eerily-joyless set of disparate spheres as His handiwork.

He has also asked the court for an immediate injunction forcing Jordan to wear a t shirt stating ‘I did this’ with at least eight large arrows pointing at her chest.

Jahweh’s lawyer, Stephen Malley, said: “We thought we’d got over this kind of thing with the whole Lembit Opik unpleasantness, evidently people still think the one true Lord is some kind of all-knowing, cackhanded buffoon that can’t do mouths properly.

“He’s the first to admit that, while divine, he’s not perfect – it took him four goes at doing a Baldwin brother that could act and he eventually gave up on making Osmonds because he could never quite get the hang of it.

“But he can’t maintain his position as the all-powerful infinite spirit if people are going around thinking his idea of sexiness is a woman that’s 65% boob and with the charisma of a bailiff’s warrant.”

Jordan has responded to the Almighty’s legal suit in a three-page spread in OK! magazine in which she uses the phrase ‘my struggle’ a lot and claims she does not care what anyone, including God, thinks about her because at the end of the day, right, it is all about respect, yes?

God added: “While everybody has been high-fiving me over Pippa Middleton’s badonkadonk recently, my proudest moment is actually Penelope Keith.”