Heather Mills To Strangle A Badger

HEATHER Mills last night celebrated her divorce from Britain's most successful jingle composer by pledging to throttle a series of woodland creatures.

Is the badger the real victim in all this? Yes, he is

Mills set out detailed plans to strangle a baby deer with her bare hands, before choking a badger with its own tail and dispatching an entire family of rabbits with a leather belt.

The former glamour model also plans to nail 100 red squirrels to a row of tiny crosses which she has erected along the road leading to ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney's Sussex farm.

Standing outside the High Court in London Mills said: "Bacon, bacon, bacon. Steak, sausage, kidneys and a greasy bap full of veal."

She added: "I can't say he was cruel to me, for the sake of my daughter, but I will write it down so you can have a look at it: 'He reversed over me with my own wheelchair. Twice'.

"I was on Dance with the Stars in America you know. And Larry King. With one leg. What's he ever done? I don't do the nudey pics anymore. Haven't for years. Land mines, by the way. I've got a charity."

Mills said her £25 million divorce pay-out was an 'incredible victory' over Sir Paul – who had known the judge since they were in the Hitler Youth together – and only £100 million less than she had asked for.

But she said the £35,000 a year pocket money for daughter Beatrice was 'miserly' and would mean she was forced to dip into her £17 million lump sum to pay for the child's food.

"She'll have to eat Asda beans and own-brand chocolate fingers, while he jets around the world in his fleet of organic parsnips.

"He's not even the real Paul McCartney, you know."