Joss Stone murder plot not some weird dream

THE alleged plot to kill Joss Stone with a sword is not one of those dreams you keep having, it emerged last night.

With a sword?

As a small red car was charged with being suspicious near a white soul diva, police said you are awake and this is really happening.

Detective Inspector Martin Bishop said: “When I got the first call I had to check that it wasn’t from my old PE teacher and that he wasn’t actually standing in the corner of the room wearing nothing but a pair of wellingtons and angrily fiddling with himself.

“And to make doubly sure, when the arresting officer told me they were going to kill Joss Stone with a big sword and then put her in a bag, I put the phone down and banged my forehead against my desk a few times.”

He added: “Last month we got a call that a giraffe had hijacked a microlight and was planning to drop Fern Britten on Fearne Cotton.

“I spent two weeks on that. It was a tremendous waste of police resources and I should really have been sacked.”

Superintendent Wayne Hayes added: “I was very confused as I do have a habit of watching the sort of crapulent talk shows where Joss Stone is the musical turn while eating a large plate of incredibly ripe camembert.

“But I followed police procedure whenever you get a report of a suspicious car and sure enough it was foreign with narrow headlights that kept darting from side to side.”

Meanwhile tributes are being paid to Will Young after he was beaten unconscious by his own cats and then fired from a cannon, despite several desperate warnings via Twitter that his life was in danger.