Kate to give birth while watching Foyle’s War and eating a pie

THE Duchess of Cambridge has revealed that her birth plan includes some murder mystery DVDs and a homemade pork pie.

'I'm going to get really pissed on cider afterwards'

‘And then I’m going to get really pissed on cider’

The Duchess will give birth in the private wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London and has warned staff that she will probably swear at them a great deal and be ‘very gassy’.

The Duchess said: “I fucking love Foyle’s War so my sister got me the box set and said ‘watch that while you’re in the stirrups – it’ll take your mind off the fact you’ve just done a big shite in front of some strangers’.

“I was like ‘oh fuck, is that what happens ? I though you just did a load of farts’.

“And then she pretended to be me taking a dump. She can be a nasty little bitch sometimes.”

The Duchess also revealed that she will adhere to the ancient traditions set out in the Royal Birthing Charter of 1467. She said: “Apparently I’ve got to do this in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury, an alchemist and a castrated monk.

“As soon as the kid’s out the Archbishop checks it’s not a French spy and then the monk goes up to the roof and blows a trumpet.

“Anyway, my mum’s going to make me a really big pie. She’s says it’ll be a ‘two-hander’. She’s a total star, my mum.”

The Duchess added: “Foyle’s War, big pie, Queen’s gynaecologist. Fucking doddle.”