subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man celebrated for achievement in the field of stealing

THE late Ronnie Biggs has been hailed for his contribution to theft.

Channel 5 documentary-type gangster Tom ‘Pliers’ Logan said: “It’s a sad thing, but lots of people these days are happy to do jobs like teaching and nursing to get money, rather than good old robbing.

“I hope Ronnie gets fawning obituaries in national newspapers, because he definitely deserves that. Doing a big robbery is way better than doing a science discovery or something.”

15-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I’m too young to remember the Great Train Robbery, but reading about it encouraged me to ‘twock’ a Fiat Uno. Yeah, sticking it to the system.

“It’s funny cos Mandela died last week. I think they were similar because Mandela was about liberating a nation and Biggs was about liberating other people’s money.”

Career criminal Roy Hobbs said: “Ronnie was a great character and that’s what counts. That’s why when I burgle someone’s house I make sure to do it in a ‘cheeky’ way.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve shredded a Christmas card and thrown one fragment of it into the air. Merry Homeopathic Christmas, Everyone In The World!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve bought a joke ‘mistletoe belt buckle’ for work but will wear it back to front so everyone can queue up to kiss your arse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To do list: 1: Get a friend called Steph 2: Get a friend called Dennis 3: Set them up on a date. 4: Sing DON’T IT MAKE YA FEEL GOOD? at them.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After hearing that the victim continually used the word ‘crimble’ in a conversation, the judge drops all the charges against you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The longest journey starts with a single step. And a fear that you’ve left the heating on.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Don’t rake up old grudges at your forthcoming family gathering. Make up a load of new stuff to go absolutely fucking mental about – it’s what your granddad would have wanted.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Friday: Accidentally squirted Bonjela into your boxer shorts. Numbnuts.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. Not to mention archery tuition.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’re quite right that Rome wasn’t built in a day but I imagine that even whilst wearing a toga they managed to mow the fucking lawn once in a while.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your loneliness reaches new levels today as you start your ‘Leave Packaging Feedback’ comment for Amazon with “I was wondering whether you fancied a pint some time…”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s a difficult social situation – deciding whether to write your neighbours a Christmas card or continue ignoring them like you have done the previous 23 years.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Dubbadubbadumdum, dubbadubbadum, dubbadumdumdubbadum, dubbadubbadum. God, my guts are off.

Next story ›