Men Reveal Pain At Cheryl's Lack Of Promiscuity
CHERYL Cole's refusal to indulge in graphic sexual misdemeanours is causing 'deep and lasting pain' to Britain's men, it emerged yesterday.
Despite having already forgiven her for not releasing a stolen sex tape on the internet, Cheryl's continued inability to send them naked pictures of herself in an array of demeaning poses could prove the last straw for Britain's 30 million males.
Plumber and man, Tom Logan, said: "I've always loved Cheryl, she looks like a sex doll would if they were actually good, plus she doesn't seem intimidatingly intelligent.
"But her reluctance to fuel my sordid fantasies with even the mildest pornographic images is a repeated kick in the teeth.
"If she doesn't film herself getting in a public toilet with Dane Bowers or a former Gladiator soon I don't think I'll have any choice but to transfer my affections to Hermione from Harry Potter, or that one in the Special K advert that still comes on sometimes."
Teacher and other man, Roy Hobbs, said: "I gave Cheryl one last chance after she didn't indulge in a debauched multi-species four way with a mule, an Irish water spaniel and a starfish while dressed like a stern Danish librarian before sending my mate the pictures and issuing a series of astonishingly feeble excuses.
"However her continued monogamous, conventional behaviour is hurtful and exhausting. In fact I may soon be forced to abandon my dark onanistic obsession with 'La Cole' and start having sex with my wife again."
Coles spokesman said: "Contrary to popular belief, Cheryl does not go like a stoat in a bucket of kittens. The area where her tumpsy would be is in fact featureless and perfectly smooth with a plasticky finish, much like the groin of an Action Man."