the dailymash

In recent weeks, the American singer-attention seeker's ubiquitous breasts and buttocks have been causing increasing tension among British men, many of whom are struggling to understand why they do not find them even remotely arousing.

Man Tom Logan said: "They are perfectly good, female human breasts and buttocks. Normally that combo alone, even if grafted onto a toad's back, would be sufficient to heat my juice.

"Plus in her new video she wanks a marmoset while dressed as a kind of fetish combine harvester, or something.

"And yet... and yet, try as I might, I simply cannot muster any sexual enthusiasm for La Gaga. It's weird, it's not like I'm sophisticated enough to be deterred by her intensely irritating personality or the fact that she has the aspect of a young Pauline Fowler."

He added: "There's just something about her that's subtly revolting, like Ginster's Buffet Bars."

Teacher Norman Steele said: "I'm a bit of a pervert and also a keen amateur oceanologist, so Gaga – a dirty girl who frequently dresses like a crustacean – should be right up my staircase.

"Yet somehow I can't even crack a semi over her, it's most perplexing. Am I on the turn?"

Dr Nikki Hollis, of the Institute for Studies, said: "My guess is it's probably because she looks like the personification of some weird STD from the 23rd century.

"Plus she's got that Peaches Geldof thing where her face looks like it's been painted onto a deflating balloon."