Missus In Right Old Tiz Over Bit Of Fun With Dolly Birds

TV presenter Vernon Kaye's missus shouldn't get her knickers in a twist over a bit of saucy fun, Seventies experts said last night.

Things are in a right old mess when a bloke can't even enjoy a tasty bit of crumpet

Her indoors is threatening to give the celebrity host a right rollicking after he admitted sending sexy messages to a bevy of busty lovelies.

But now boffins have claimed it is becoming increasingly difficult for ordinary celebrities to get a bit of the other, especially after that coloured golfer was caught going at it with a load of slags.

Reginald Varney, professor of 1970s gender issues at Reading University, stressed that old Mrs Kaye should blooming well leave it out.

He said: "He works bloody hard and the last thing he needs is her going on at him when he gets home. He's got enough to deal with, what with all them bloody immigrants and a Labour government that doesn't know its arse from its elbow."

Professor Varney said that after studying pictures of the fruity crumpet he was forced to make a fist and repeatedly bend his arm at the elbow.

He added: "I don't know much about text messaging, but I know a corking pair of charlies when I see them. Cor blimey, me glasses have steamed up."

However Professor Varney's colleague, Dr Robin Askwith, was more equivocal, insisting Kaye should treat his missus to some perfume and a scampi dinner and admit that he has been a right plonker and no mistake.

He added: "Mind you, if she keeps on about it after that he's quite within his rights to give her a slap. Just a little one though – don't want to upset Mrs Harman and her lezzy pals."