Modern-day Jesus 'would go around making computers work'
IF Jesus were alive today he would travel from place to place doing IT miracles, it has been claimed.
As former computer worker Alan Miller claimed to be the reincarnation of Christ, theologians said that making Windows work properly is the modern equivalent of healing a leper.
Bible expert Roy Hobbs said: “Things have changed since Biblical times, people are fine for loaves and fishes but they want to be able to watch Game of Thrones without buffering.
“Modern-day Jesus would wander between towns, resurrecting laptops with a single touch and preaching compatibility between operating systems.
“‘Load up thy firewall and browse’ he would say, and suddenly your internet would work without pop-ups.
“Huge crowds would flock around ‘computer Christ’, wielding broken PDAs and laptops. But his attempts to unite the rival factions of C++ and Linux would attract powerful enemies on online forums, and he would die mysteriously at a TED conference.”
He said: “So, Miller’s IT background supports his claim to be God’s son. And if he can make Norton work properly on my PC I would accept he is mankind’s saviour.”
Millerism is a strict sect, with all members required to read every page of their user agreements before clicking ‘yes’ and being admitted.
Disciples wear distinctive wristbands engraved with ‘ASTIOTOA’ – Alan Says Turn It Off Then On Again – and have been demonstrating outside Apple stores brandishing banners saying ‘Alan Hates Macs’.