Off you f**k, Queen tells Cameron

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

As Mr Cameron began tendering his resignation to the Queen at Buckingham Palace, Her Majesty interrupted him and said: “Including your good self, I have been served by 12 prime minsters.

“I liked Sir Winston, because he fancied me, Macmillan was like something out of Dickens and Wilson was a cheeky little Yorkshire monkey. The rest of them were a bit… weird. Especially Mr Brown. Very strange man.

“But you, Mr Cameron, are a prize arse.

“Northern Ireland has gone all wobbly, Scotland is half way out the bloody door, meanwhile most of my subjects are scared shitless and we’re seeing a delightful upsurge in racism. Well played Mr Cameron, well played.”

The Queen added: “If I see you round here again, I will order the Grenadier Guards to dangle you from the front gates by the waistband of your underpants and then get some tourists to throw fistfuls of cheap ham at your big, shiny face.

“Then again, from what I hear, you’d probably love that, you dirty bugger. Not even Prince Andrew has done that, and – trust me – that boy is a freak.

“Anyway, I digress. Off. You. Fuck.”

It is understood that as Mr Cameron left the Palace, he turned to his wife Samantha and said: “Actually, that went reasonably well.”