Oliver made teenage boys give semen sample after meeting Cherie Blair

21-02-11

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.

Fucking hell

The alleged incident happened during the recording of the fat-tongued do-gooder’s new series Jamie’s Total Arsehole School, where a group of wayward teenagers is lectured by weapons-grade fuckers including Blair, David Starkey and even Alastair Campbell.

After an introductory session by Blair, the boys were asked for a semen sample by kindly mad professor Robert Winston, who had been tasked with capturing their DNA for the still-in-development series Jamie’s Sperm Chefs.

Tom Logan, 15, said: “As a boy in the prime of teenagehood, I am usually frotting myself relentlessly, like a bonobo monkey possessed by the spirit of Jack Nicholson.

“But after meeting that woman I could do nothing but stare flaccidly into the beaker, trying desperately to form a mental image of Lucy Pinder, Tera Patrick or even Sonia from Eastenders.”

He added: “She looks like Carol Vorderman re-imagined by Tim Burton and after catching her gaze I can feel a gaping hole in my chest where my soul used to be.”

Classmate, Stephen Malley, said: “Since meeting Cherie Blair I haven’t been able to produce any fluid except tears.”

A Channel Four spokesman said: “While we may have to rethink the semen-capture, this programme will still be a fascinating insight into what Britain’s schools could be like if they were staffed by people Jamie Oliver has met at north London dinner parties.”

He added: “Some of these kids have grown up in tough environments where it’s considered cool to be a lying sack of shit with no scruples.

“Alastair Campbell will teach them they can be rich and successful without compromising in any way.”

 

 

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