Paisley Quits To Spend More Time Heckling The Pope

IAN Paisley is to resign as Northern Ireland's first minister so he can devote more time to shouting abuse at the Pope.

Stinking up the place with his voodoo juice

Dr Paisley, one of Europe's most accomplished Pope hecklers, said that while devolution faced many challenges, the time was right for him to, 'have a crack at this uppity German Pontiff'.

He added: "While I have been glaring at terrorists across the Cabinet table, this silver-tongued witch-doctor has been spreading his voodoo message unmolested.

"For months I have been torn between my duties as first minister and my raging desire to march into St Peter's Square with my best megaphone and shout 'Harlot of Babylon!'."

The first minister revealed he had been working on a new range of Pope heckles, including: 'Nice hat!', 'Incense is for poofters!' and 'Oi Fritz! Why are you dressed like a girl?'.

Martin McGuinness, Sinn Fein's deputy first minister, said: "It's been obvious for some time that he was itching to get back into the Pope heckling game.

"At the last Cabinet meeting he emptied his bowels in the middle of the table before sticking a little Union Jack in it and saying 'that's what I think of your Pope'."

Prime minister Gordon Brown said: "It is a testament to Northern Ireland's new spirit of tolerance that the highest office in the land could have been occupied by someone who was so clearly and demonstrably insane."