Peaches Geldof To Get Playground Divorce

THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.

Friends say the five year-old has told her six year-old husband Max Drummey that she has gone off him, possibly because he smells.

Both sides have instructed their seven year-old lawyers to draw up pretend divorce papers that will be exchanged at home time.

Geldof, who divides her schedule between pretending to be a television presenter and pretending to be an air hostess, said she would like to be friends with Max but unfortunately he is made entirely of bogies.

The couple met during the morning break and following a whirlwind romance were married in a quiet corner of the playground.

Their honeymoon was spent sitting next to each other for an hour making a picture of a kangaroo using bits of macaroni and glitter.

But by half past two, friends said the couple were having bitter arguments about whether or not kangaroos were the same as dogs.

One source close to the couple said: "Are kangaroos not the same as dogs? Or are they same as sheep? I need to do a wee."

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Monk Fight!

TOURISTS in Jerusalem were last night treated to one of the Holy Land's most exciting monk fights in more than 20 years.

The Church of the Holy Sepulchre, traditional site of the death and resurrection of Jesus, was transformed into a blood-soaked cauldron of fists and teeth as rival gangs went at it like devout maniacs.

According to eyewitnesses the violence erupted when the head of the Coptic Mission accused his Ethiopian counterpart of failing to fully understand the indivisible nature of the Trinity and of "dressing like a nonce".

Mary Bradford, 64, a Baptist pilgrim from Alabama, said: "The Eastern Orthodox and the Greeks piled in. I think I saw a couple of bike chains.

"Then the head of the Armenian mission arrives, looking all serene and holy. He walks up to a Jesuit and says, 'sorry we're late but I was too busy doin' your momma!'. Then they both go into karate mode."

She added: "The best bit was the enormous, seven foot Coptic wielding a nunchuk. Everyone just stopped for a moment and stared at him and then he let out this blood-curdling scream and started cracking skulls like some kind of badass ninja."

Roy Hobbs, professor of Theology at Reading University, said: "It was very unusual to see the Greeks getting their knuckles dirty. They usually just stand on the sidelines holding the cassocks."

He added: "Of course the big theological question is 'who would Jesus have fought for?'. I think on this occasion it would have been the Coptics. Jesus loved the nunchucks."

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